Goosewings? Modernization?

[Coprolite]

Goosewings has afflicted the Canadian TV airwaves with years of its advertising now, always targeting classic Canadian programming, and have typically been characterized as "a bit unhinged" and having production values often described as "bizarre", "amateurish" and "an offence to the very rudiments of film composition".

So it's a bit of a jarring change when an ad airs in the middle of Front Page Challenge with crisp, professionally produced graphics for "The New Goosewings" without a truly excessive number of exclamation points.

It cuts to a corporate boardroom overlooking Winnipeg Portage and Main, with CEO Tim Timmerson standing and smiling looking freshly made over and wearing a very dignified tailored charcoal suit whose lapels are of a normal proportion and pose no hazards to passers by. When he speaks, he is voiced by Actor Donald Sutherland, and recites his lines in a fashion not befitting a used car salesman who has consumed two litres of Tim Hortons' finest. On a nearby presentation board is a picture of a brand new Boeing 747-400 painted in a very clean, corporate looking black, grey and white paint scheme with a very corporate stylized emblem of a Canada goose.

"Hello, I am Tim Timmerson, and I would like to welcome you to the new Goosewings, now offering a modern and refined flying experience to Canada's cultural capitals with our new modern fleet. This represents a significant investment not only in our equipment and service quality. We realize from our focus groups that modern is not the word that many would associate with Goosewings."

Timmerson looks uncharacteristically serious, "Anarchic. Tumultuous. Barbaric. Pandemonium. And most of all... silly. Well, I can assure you that those days are long in our past. Never again shall..."

Something bumps against Timmerson's shirt... from the inside. He hesitates, and tries his line again, "Never again shall we... Oh no. Not again. No."

Timmerson's clutches his chest, only for it to burst open in a hail of confetti and pyrotechnics as he falls to the ground, a parade of geese marching forth from the smoking hole. People can be heard running and screaming in the background amid all of the honking. Black spray paint covers the lens of the camera and crashing and explosions are heard, with a swell of dramatic music before the audio fades and 'GOOSEWINGS: Canada's OTHER AIRLINE' appears on the screen, the lettering looking as if it was cut from various magazines like a ransom note.

"Please fly us. This ad cost a lot of money," Tim Timmerson's actual voice can be heard.