Unified Calls for More Wars for Oil

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Chicago, IL — May 2008 — Unified Airlines today announced its boldest proposal yet to address skyrocketing jet fuel prices: a polite but urgent request to President George W. Bush to invade literally any oil-producing nation willing to take one for the team. "Frankly, we don't care which one," said Unified's VP of Fuel Hedging. "Just pick a country, fly the flag, and get those crude prices back where God and Boeing intended."

Unified's statement acknowledged that diplomacy, conservation, and alternative energy are technically options — but dismissed them as "boring, slow, and incompatible with our Q3 operating margin." The airline emphasized that its request is strictly business, not personal: "This isn't about geopolitics. This is about $1300 Jet-A. Our 737s are thirsty, and our investors are cranky."

To demonstrate its commitment, Unified has offered to paint "Support the Troops (and Lower Fuel Prices)" across the fuselages of its entire fleet. "It's not just patriotism," the release concludes. "It's patriotism with a hedge."