FlightClub Denies Financial Instability

[AngryOpossum]

MUNICH, GERMANY — In response to increasingly hysterical reports from media outlets, independent journalists, and one very aggressive creditor, Flight Club would like to formally deny any suggestion that the airline is in financial distress, has missed loan payments, or has "lost track of multiple airplanes."

"These rumors are completely overblown," said CEO Dieter 'The Elbow' Braun. "We categorically deny that any of our planes have been repossessed mid-flight. The recent incident over Luxembourg was merely an extended test drive for a prospective buyer."

In response to claims that the company missed a recent DM 4.6 million loan payment, Braun clarified that the delay was strategic. "We simply exercised our right to reschedule, reallocate, and then temporarily forget the payment entirely. This is textbook liquidity management - if the textbook was written by a guy named Rolf in a basement casino."

Braun also stressed that Flight Club's financial strategies are both innovative and, in select jurisdictions, arguably legal. "We've taken bold steps to redefine balance sheets. For example, we've categorized life vests as floatable assets, and we count beverage cart contents toward liquid reserves. It's all GAAP-adjacent."

FlightClub also proudly announced the launch of its new cargo division, FlightClub Freight, offering next-day delivery for most non-fragile goods. "We're entering the cargo space with the same commitment to speed and plausible deniability that defines our passenger experience," said Braun. "Our Skip-the-Manifest™ option is ideal for discerning clients whose shipments require the utmost discretion: for a modest fee, we're happy to forget to declare anything at customs. Sometimes even proactively."

One client, an importer who asked only to be identified as "Wolf," praised the service's reliability and discretion: "Customs never saw it. Neither did we. We don't know how FlightClub Freight pulled it off, and frankly, neither does Interpol. They just called to say it 'landed'. That's all I needed to hear."

While FlightClub Freight cannot technically guarantee your parcel will arrive at its intended destination, Braun emphasized that "it will usually get somewhere, and that's already more than most state postal services can promise." Delivery options include Standard, Priority, and No Questions Asked.

The airline insists that despite the rumors of financial turmoil, passenger and cargo operations remain unaffected, and that its unique business model — which emphasizes frequent flights, aggressive passenger engagement, and the selective application of aviation law — continues to deliver value for stakeholders, thrill-seekers, and people who simply can't afford a train.

"Our creditors understand the vision," Braun concluded. "They call us daily to say how excited they are. Sometimes they even visit. Usually with documents and firm voices. We view that as engagement."

Flight Club remains committed to transparency, accountability, and doing absolutely none of the things that got other airlines in trouble.

Media Contact:
Greta Stahlknuckle
VP of Communications