After decades of loyal service and several decades of loyal rattling Rogair Airlines is officially retiring its fleet of aging propliners, ushering in a new era of sleek turbojet airliners capable of flying nonstop across the Americas.
Yes, you read that right. N O N S T O P.
Rogair's CEO, Buck Harmon, made the announcement Today while standing in front of a gleaming new jet.
"We're proud to bring Rogair into the modern age," Harmon said, raising his voice slightly to be heard over the conspicuous absence of propeller noise. "Our new turbojets mean fewer stops, shorter travel times, and significantly fewer passengers asking if the engine is 'supposed to sound like that.'"
For years, Rogair's trademark experience included scenic stopovers at airports across the Southwest and Rockies. Travelers could stretch their legs, enjoy free Bourbon tastings, and witness the now-legendary "Gate 4 Rodeo Spectacular," complete with barrel racing and a gate agent who once lassoed a luggage cart mid-roll.
Colorado Springs Airport was one of the most popular layover destinations, and not everyone is thrilled about the change.
Annie Oakley, a self-described "local resident of the Colorado Springs airport," expressed deep concern while standing beside a warehouse of unsold Bourbon barrels.
"What shall we do with all our stocked products?" Oakley asked, gesturing dramatically toward pallets labeled Emergency Layover Reserve. "We've got enough Bourbon to refuel a steam engine. And don't get me started on the 600 souvenir lassos."
Oakley says the airport's rodeo troupe has already been put on "standby," though she remains hopeful that at least one mechanical bull will find a loving home.
Not everyone is mourning the loss of Rogair's scenic pauses.
Captain Richard King, a cow farmer from Texas, who insists on the title "Captain" because he once steered a tractor through fog, says the retirement of the propliners has brought peace back to his ranch.
"For years, we had about 100 daily stopovers in El Paso," King explained. "Those prop engines would buzz so loud the cows thought it was mating season."
According to King, the constant aerial interruptions left his herd jittery and sleep-deprived.
"Now that the jets just whoosh by without stopping, the cows are calmer. They're sleeping better. I'm expecting at least 20% more milk this quarter. Possibly 25% if Rogair doesn't get nostalgic."
Economists have yet to confirm a direct link between aviation modernization and dairy output, but King remains confident.
Rogair's new turbojets promise faster travel times, quieter operations, and a drastic reduction in spontaneous square dancing at regional terminals. A flight that once required four stops, two refuels, and a motivational speech from the co-pilot can now be completed in a single, uninterrupted stretch.
Frequent flyers appear cautiously optimistic.
"I'll miss the free Bourbon," said longtime passenger Martha Delgado. "But I won't miss explaining to my boss why a two-hour flight took nine."
As for the future, the skies over the Americas will be a little faster, a little quieter, and significantly less lasso-friendly.
And somewhere in Colorado Springs, Annie Oakley is still staring at a warehouse full of Bourbon, wondering if modernization was truly worth it.