MUNICH, WEST GERMANY — With the recent bankruptcy of Teutonia, FlightClub recognizes the loss of a peer in the West German aviation sector. We extend our measured sympathies to Teutonia's former employees, passengers, and unsecured creditors. That said, we are now proud to report that FlightClub is now the number five airline in West Germany*.
"Aviation is an unforgiving business. We at FlightClub are no strangers to difficult quarters, tense conversations with creditors, and in-flight aircraft repossessions," remarked FlightClub CEO Peter "The Elbow" Braun. "We've been where Teutonia was. We just knew when to stop answering the phone."
While our official rank remains fifth, we do note that FlightClub is currently the #2 most profitable airline in the country. BlitzKranich reported a quarterly loss exceeding $12 million. BrockAir lost over $10 million. FlightClub, by contrast, posted a modest but undeniable surplus, despite having no medium or larger-sized aircraft, no in-flight catering, and no salaried cabin crew.
While we cannot say with certainty who determines the airline rankings in West Germany, or what criteria they use, we suspect it is someone with a fondness for legroom and a deep disregard for profit margins. But at FlightClub, our passengers know what they're signing up for: small aircraft, flexible destinations, and a boarding process that rewards physical strength over frequent flier status.
"I don't lose sleep over rankings," Braun said in closing. "But perhaps some of our competitors should. The rankings list can change. I didn't earn the nickname 'The Elbow' by staying in line."
Despite recent financial success, experts remain skeptical of FlightClub's long-term viability. The airline's planes are not technically certified for night flights, international airspace, or altitudes above 4,000 feet, and thus rely on quick turnaround times to evade local authorities. These business practices have consistently placed FlightClub near the bottom of punctuality ratings. The range of the airline's planes is also notoriously limited. Crossing the Alps, noted Martin Krüger, professor of finance at the Technical University of Munich, requires "favorable weather and divine intervention." Krüger — who previously warned that FlightClub stock may carry contingent liability due to its "unusual combination of debt exposure, operational negligence, and creative accounting" — added that recent profits "do little to offset the airline's fundamental disqualifications from modern aviation."
*out of five
Media Contact:
Greta Stahlknuckle
VP of Communications