Flight Club, the world's most combative airline, is proud to announce its boldest maneuver yet: a complete downsizing of our fleet, staff, and dignity.
After an exhaustive and combative internal review, our executive team has decided to move from our fleet of barely-airworthy C-46 aircraft (affectionately known as "the aluminum gamble") to a leaner, meaner, questionably certified lineup of smaller, more "efficient" aircraft. These sleek new air-chariots seat up to 16 passengers (17 if someone agrees to sit on the beverage cart), burn significantly less fuel, and double as rentable party buses when grounded.
Naturally, this transition required us to part ways with many valued team members, including our entire cadre of medium aircraft pilots and 29 cabin crew, including two in-flight referees, three gate-side hype men, a licensed cutman, four in-flight bookies, and one guy whose only job was to shout "LET'S GET READY TO BOARD" into a megaphone. While morale took a hit and public perception briefly dropped below sea level, we remain committed to restoring our reputation the only way we know how: with unlicensed pyrotechnics, escape slide time trials, and a total disregard for modern aviation norms.
"The media calls it a downsizing," said Flight Club CEO Dieter 'The Elbow' Braun. "But let's be clear: we didn't downsize. We just got rid of anyone who asked questions."
The new fleet allows us to increase frequency on many routes — which means more departures, more arrivals, and statistically speaking, more chances for you to deeply regret your choice in airline. Braun continued, "We fly more often now. Not better, just more."
We are cautiously optimistic that this bold new direction will improve customer satisfaction, streamline operations, and — if the numbers shake out — keep us technically solvent through Q4.
The spirit of Flight Club remains airborne — slightly smaller, slightly scrappier, and as belligerent as ever.
Media Contact:
Greta Stahlknuckle
VP of Communications