FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
June 20, 1980
TRUE NORTH AIRLINES DEMANDS COMPENSATION FOR "GOOSE-RELATED DISRUPTIONS"
"We'd like to speak to whoever's in charge of the birds."
Toronto, ON – Following the now-infamous Canada Goose Incident that brought operations at Toronto Pearson to a halt, True North Airlines is formally requesting compensation for the multiple flight diversions, passenger inconvenience, and one beverage cart mysteriously claimed by several geese.
"Our airline was forced to reroute four flights, cancel two, and clean feathers out of three HEPA filters," said True North spokesperson Patty Coldbrew. "One flight had to make an unscheduled landing in Sudbury after a goose insisted on sitting in First Class without a boarding pass."
True North insists it has no quarrel with geese in general, but is calling for an official inquiry into "whether Goosewings has gotten too cozy with the wildlife."
"We're not saying Goosewings trained the geese," Coldbrew added. "But we are saying the geese seemed suspiciously organised. One even knew how to operate the jet bridge."
In addition to damages, True North is requesting:
- One (1) replacement beverage cart
- A formal apology from Tim Timmerson, ideally written in goose
- A symbolic 17-dollar fine per goose involved
- Complimentary birdseed for all affected passengers
Passengers impacted by the incident are being offered full refunds, double frequent flyer miles, and "free anti-goose charms".
True North Airlines remains committed to safe, bird-free air travel—though we reserve the right to honk back when provoked.