Footballl (soccer)

[swiftus27]

Dear World,

We will not respect soccer (football) until your players stop flopping and acting like babies.  Also "nil - nil" isn't a result.  It is 90 minutes (plus the usual ten or so 'injury' minutes) of my life being wasted.   

- The United States of America

[swiftus27]

P.S., there is no magic spray that can heal a player who somehow got a rug burn on the wet grass.   Those are just two people who come out and judge his performance at faking injury.

[brique]

Ahem... they get tired, it having to stay on the pitch for the whole game, and not swapping the entire team every few minutes...

[swiftus27]

I play ice hockey.  3 lines of sprinting and quickly recovering.   

[brique]

You probably wouldn't like test cricket too much... 5 days of play and it can still end in a draw....

[Aerlingus1916]

Alright, ice hockey and cricket are challenging but you guys should seriously try GAA sports if you think they are hard!

[ArcherII]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sD_8prYOxo

[Pilot Oatmeal]

Dear World,

We will not respect soccer (football) until your players stop flopping and acting like babies.  Also "nil - nil" isn't a result.  It is 90 minutes (plus the usual ten or so 'injury' minutes) of my life being wasted.   

- The United States of America

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In view of your abject failure to elect a President and thus to govern yourselves, We give hereby Notice of the Revocation of your Independence, effective today at Five O'clock Greenwich Mean Time.

Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume sovereign duties forthwith over all states, commonwealths, and other territories.  Except Florida, which Shall be returned to His Illustrious Catholic Majesty, King Juan Carlos of Spain.  Your new Prime Minister (The Rt Hon Tony Blair, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will suggest to Her Majesty a Governor-General for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1.  You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminum".  Check the pronunciation guide.  You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.  Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  Look up "vocabulary."  Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.  Look up "interspersed."

2.  There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3.  You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that difficult.

4.  Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast British actors as the good guys.

5.  You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen," but only after fully carrying out Task 1.  We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6.  You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football.  What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.  The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.  You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.  Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.  It is a difficult game.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football," but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour).  We are hoping to get together at least an American rugby sevens side by 2005.

7.  You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any "merde."  The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.

8.  July 4th is no longer a public holiday.  November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in the British Empire.  It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9.  All American cars are hereby banned.  They are crap and it is for your own good.  When we show you German/English cars, you will understand what we mean.

10.  Please tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us crazy.

11.  Your failure as a people is disgusting.  The world is a ashamed of you. We will fix you. 

- The United Kingdom of Great Britain

[ARASKA]

Dear United Kingdom of Great Britain -
Apparently, the 2.15% of you who were able to look up from their TV screen and stop watching your so called "football" have failed to notice that your own country plays the very sport you say "no one else plays". Have you never heard of the BUAFL or the BAFACL which both have 50 or more teams. Also, Australia, Belgium, Brazil, Finland, Germany, Hungary, India, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Japan, Mexico, New Zealand, Norway, Poland, Romania, Serbia and Spain all have football leagues. And to the poster, according to some of your previous posts, you are just as American as me.

[Pilot Oatmeal]

Dear United Kingdom of Great Britain -
Apparently, the 2.15% of you who were able to look up from their TV screen and stop watching your so called "football" have failed to notice that your own country plays the very sport you say "no one else plays". Have you never heard of the BUAFL or the BAFACL which both have 50 or more teams. Also, Australia, Belgium, Brazil, Finland, Germany, Hungary, India, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Japan, Mexico, New Zealand, Norway, Poland, Romania, Serbia and Spain all have football leagues. And to the poster, according to some of your previous posts, you are just as American as me.

Well I haven't heard of any of these leagues that you mention, probably because they are not well known, and have no actual prestige.  The point I was trying to make across is that football is a much larger sport than American football worldwide.

And yes, I am an American citizen, as well as a British citizen, but I'm only an American citizen because I was born in Florida... my whole family is British 

[swiftus27]

Hilarious $hit, Oatmeal.

God Save the King/Queen is the worst song (in terms of lyrics).... good thing we can sing My Country 'Tis of Thee instead

[Pilot Oatmeal]

When I say God Save the  Queen, I mean this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cLRznbZjTQ

Which is sang with passion, and creates an atmosphere like nothing else.  Something you'll never see at NFL matches

EDIT:  I didn't mean that crap from the Sex Pistols

[Aerlingus1916]

DO NOT let me here that horrible song!   God save the Queen is the WORST song ever. The Irish National Anthem is much better, there is actually a nice rythm and there has been thought put into it.

[Pilot Oatmeal]

DO NOT let me here that horrible song!   God save the Queen is the WORST song ever. The Irish National Anthem is much better, there is actually a nice rythm and there has been thought put into it.

Your national anthem is worse than your airlines.  Poor. 

[Aerlingus1916]

My airline is doing quite well considering I joined BW two thirds of the way through it thank you very much.

[swiftus27]

Play nice in the sandbox, boys

[exchlbg]

What else did you expect by starting this stupid thread ? Please don´t cause flame wars starting discussions about religion,politics or football/soccer, it´ll always end like that.

[Pilot Oatmeal]

My airline is doing quite well considering I joined BW two thirds of the way through it thank you very much.

I meant the Irish airlines haha I'm only messing not your own airlines

[ARASKA]

What else did you expect by starting this stupid thread ? Please don´t cause flame wars starting discussions about religion,politics or football/soccer, it´ll always end like that.

I love that you include football/soccer in with religion and politics.

[swiftus27]

I think football is religion in UK and im sure an elected official in Manchester walked into work wearing Chelsea blue he'd be assassinated by noon.

Also, im a licensed referee for American football.  I can see how rediculous the game appears to some.

Cricket is unwatchable imho.